My French Slips

Last night, I was reading the thoughts of an American writer in Paris. She is married to a French citizen and has two children living in (and trying to find work in) Paris. Her experiences made me laugh. We have both often messed up on the little things.

She wrote about how Americans are generally nice to people they do not know whereas the French (particularly Parisians) are generally only nice to people they know. Of course I'm generalizing, but it's true in a sense - particularly with the older generations. Being too friendly is often seen as being false or a push-over. I tend to agree with this.

On table manners and being a guest, I don't know how many times I put bread on my plate rather than on the table. I once showed up an hour early for Sunday lunch at someone's house - a big no-no in a country where you're usually expected 15 minutes AFTER the designated time. On a side note: I barely knew these people - I think they invited me because Madame was going to be away for two weeks. They lived in a house in Levallois (which the husband designed himself) and had three kids around my age. I brought them flowers, so at least I had that going in my favor. But the conversation was awkward as I tend to be shy and my French has more to be desired. I digress. I try really hard to eat with the fork in my left hand but sometimes it has aided in the food finding itself on my lap. Going back to the Sunday lunch episode, I once tried to cut a hard cheese near the end of the dinner and it flew across the table. I timidly smiled while the son handed back my piece of cheese. Weekend dinners, particularly on Sundays, are such big events in France. During meals, you're not really supposed to compliment the food because there are other things to talk about. Conversations change rapidly and often have no connection with the previous topic(s). Keeping the hands on the table is another big thing. I tend to start playing with the glass as I never really know what to do with my hands.

I mess up compliments all the time. Another generalization is that the French downplay a lot things. When someone gives you a compliment on something, it's considered haughty to say "thank you" and elaborate on the subject. Instead you're supposed to say something like "oh, that was nothing" and continue onto something else. With compliments, I usually just say "oui" or smile - it's the most natural thing for me to do. I can only be myself.

With compliments there are criticisms, which are often sarcastic. For example, if you get a 19.5 out of 20 on a paper, the prof will probably write something like "pas mal" (not bad). Way to hurt the American ego! I think Americans tend to be overly "seeker sensitive." We want to please and be pleased in everything - I know I'm guilty of this. Instead of merely offering an apology, we want to offer additional explanations, cover all bases, and make sure that the other party involved continues to be all right. France is a little more insensitive.

I often get the whole respect thing wrong as well, particularly when I start to talk too fast with my host mother. Suddenly the "tu" falls out and she gives me a horrified look. Of course, I apologize and go on. tutoyer vs. vouvoyer. As a general rule, I only start with "tu" if the person is close to my age. Otherwise, it's "vous." But the difficulty comes in when a person tells me I can use "tu" with them rather than "vous." I find it hard to remember who has given me this permission. And then the person, whoever it is, wonders why I'm being so formal with them after they've given me permission to be informal. Argh! Plus in stores and other public places (and in my home stay), it's better to say "bonjour/bonsoir Mme/M" rather than a plain old "bonjour/bonsoir." It's more respectful ... it's amazing the difference in reception between the two!

My final HUGE fault is "les bises." It's the exchange of kisses upon greeting and departing. I love this part of French culture, it rocks. I almost have the greeting thing down, but I often forget the departing part. Therein lies the problem. It's not that I don't want to say goodbye, it's just that it slips my mind. As a general rule, I start left to right. But of course there are bound to be mishaps. Case in point: last weekend I was saying goodbye to some people. This guy whom I was not particularly fond of got up close to do les bises. Fine. The problem was that he went to the left at the same time that I went to the left. We met in the middle. I really did not want to touch lips with this person. I'm shuttering just thinking about it.